Diary
by Angels are Watching Over You
Summary: "I found her diary underneath a tree And started reading about me The words she'd written took me by surprise You'd never read them in her eyes" - Aubrey's diary during her time with Dean. A companion piece to my story "Aubrey". Enjoy!
1. January 3

_But you are not alone in this_  
_And you are not alone in this_  
_As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand_  
_Hold your hand_

* * *

_**January 3, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

Two men came to the house today. It's the most exciting thing that has happened in a long time.

One was an older gentleman – perhaps in his late forties – and he had a very hard expression. He seemed like the type that is never far away from being angry. The young man with him was about my age, and he wore an infuriating smirk the entire time. He kept eyeing me, like he was questioning whether or not I was worth his time.

They were looking for my mother, but I must admit to eavesdropping on their conversation through the air vent in my room. Of course they were hunters. I held my breath the entire time. I would never admit it, but I'm still afraid someone will come along and get my mother into hunting again.

The one good thing to stem from my sickness is the fact that my mother stopped hunting. She willingly stopped hunting, which is something I never thought I'd see. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it some, but I always feared for her safety.

Hopefully she'll tell me what the hunters wanted. I can't be expected to snoop properly in my current condition.

- Aubrey

* * *

_And I will tell the night_  
_Whisper, "Lose your sight"_  
_But I can't move the mountains for you_


	2. January 5 and January 9

_What you got going on?_  
_High notes, eyes closed, holding on_

* * *

_**January 5, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

Dean is going to be staying in town for a few days. He's staying here to "stay safe" while my mom and his dad go on a hunt. Of course, John would get her back into hunting. She wants Dean to stay with me, but she didn't tell the men why – thank God. I don't need a week of pitying looks from someone I hardly even know.

I just can't believe she's hunting again, but she knows more about these monsters than any other hunter. I've been trying to stay angry – it seems logical – but I'm just too tired. I can't spend whatever little time I have left being angry. Mom would kill me herself if she heard me using that kind of talk, but I'm just trying to be realistic.

Plus, Dean makes it impossible to stay angry. He's funny – I haven't laughed so much in such a long time. His attempts to flirt with me are comical, but he is cute.

One good thing about mom not being home is that I can break out the chips and cakes. She prefers it when I eat healthy, but I just miss junk food so much. I haven't had a burger since the last health scare, and I miss them. Dean isn't complaining about the fact that I eat junk food all day, every day.

Maybe I should throw an apple or two into the mix, though.

- Aubrey

* * *

_**January 9, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

Dean has never heard of the band "Bread".

The self-proclaimed 70's lover has never heard of Bread. I'm shocked. I told him he has to listen to them, and he promised that one day he would consider it.

- Aubrey

* * *

_And I don't want another day to break_  
_Take our, steal our night away_


	3. January 12 and January 16

_She says "Days go by, I'm hypnotized_  
_I'm walking on a wire_

* * *

_**January 12, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

A few days my ass…

Mom called earlier saying that these witches were proving to be the most difficult ones she has ever faced. That's just freaking great. Now I have more to worry about.

Dean doesn't seem thrilled about it either. He tried to protest, but his dad put his foot down. I get the feeling that happens a lot, because Dean just let it roll off his back. Well, almost – he's been sulking in the guest room for days now. I only see him when he comes out of the room to graze in the kitchen.

Maybe I'll invite him to come to the diner with me. A good burger is getting more tempting by the second. I don't think Dean would complain about a burger right about now.

- Aubrey

* * *

_**January 16, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

It's getting easier to talk to Dean. We went to the diner, and I told him that I had to order a burger. I told him about my greasy-food-abstinence, and he looked like he wanted to throw up at the thought. Dean definitely loves his burgers.

Another thing I learned was that Dean is a huge nerd! Who would've thought that Dean Winchester – the ultimate ladies' man – would know everything about Star Trek or Star Wars? We're watching a Trekkie marathon tonight. I can't wait!

I hope mom gets home soon, though. I am having a blast with Dean, but I can't stop worrying about my mother.

- Aubrey

Dear Diary,

* Reminder to get embroidery thread

I promised to make Dean a bracelet like mine. He thinks it looks really cool. I told him I'd consider it.

Dean's actually really cool. He got me to watch old westerns with him yesterday, and they were actually pretty neat.

I wish it would snow soon. I miss the snow angels.

- Aubrey

* * *

_I close my eyes and fly out of my mind_  
_Into the fire"_


	4. January 30

_Dig up her bones but leave the soul alone_  
_Lost in the pages of self made cages_  
_Life slips away and the ghosts come to play_

* * *

_**January 30, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

Dean just had to find something to hunt. I can't really blame him. He has to babysit, and he doesn't even know it. All he knows is that he has to stay put.

I promised I wouldn't tell. Besides, Dean is a damn good hunter.

- Aubrey

* * *

_These are hard times_  
_These are hard times for dreamers_  
_And love lost believers_


	5. February 10

_Now the time is here,_  
_Baby you don't have to live your life in fear_  
_And the sky is clear, is clear of fear_

* * *

_**February 10, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

Dean's questions are getting more persistent.

"Why'd you decide to stop hunting?" "So it's just you and your mom, huh?"

I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but I can't let him know anything about the real reason we stopped hunting. I finally feel like I have a friend, so why would I ruin it by dropping this huge bomb on him?

But, isn't that friendship? Letting your friend know if something is wrong? Who knows? Mom should be home soon, and then Dean and his questions will be gone.

… but so will the feeling of having a friend. Do I really want that to happen?

- Aubrey

* * *

_Don't wanna live in fear and loathing_  
_I wanna feel like I am floating_  
_Instead of constantly exploding_  
_In fear and loathing_


	6. February 11

_Do you wanna build a snowman?_  
_Come on, let's go and play!_

* * *

_**February 11, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

It snowed so much today!

I'm such a little kid, but I don't care. I've always loved the snow. I don't think Dean appreciates it as much as I do, though. Maybe he would appreciate it more if I hadn't woken him up at six am to make snow angels.

For some reason the topic stuck, and he doesn't believe in angels – even after all that he's seen. But, maybe that's why he doesn't believe. It does make me sad, though.

He said his brother has faith like I do – or, at least, he did. I didn't think Dean would be willing to talk about his brother much. I figured all family talk was off the table for him, but he seems to be trying to make himself stay angry at Sam.

I can feel the love, though. Even when Dean is bitching about his brother, his eyes are shining with pride. He's just venting, so I let him. I know what it's like to need someone to talk to, but not being able to find anyone who will just listen.

I would love to give him advice, though. I'd love to tell him that he doesn't need to be angry at his brother – that Sam didn't abandon him. If he abandoned anyone, it was John and his strict rules. I wish I could just make him understand that the leaving was never with the intent to hurt. Sam just wanted to go his own way.

I know what that feels like, but I won't dwell on that now. This day has been great, and I'm looking forward to snuggling in my warm pajamas, and sleeping for the rest of the day.

- Aubrey

* * *

_I never see you anymore_  
_Come out the door_  
_It's like you've gone away_

**(AN: I couldn't resist. I had to use this song. lol. Sorry...) **


	7. February 12 and 22

_But you are not alone in this  
And you are not alone in this  
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand  
Hold your hand_

* * *

_**February 12, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

I'll keep it short today – I don't feel good. I've felt terrible for a week now.

I think I overdid it these past few weeks. Hopefully mom will be home soon.

I need her potato soup.

- Aubrey

_**February 22, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

After feeling sick for days, I am feeling a little better today. I think Dean might have been a bit worried, but I convinced him everything was fine. I don't think he feels comfortable with feeling the feelings, but he seemed to try and make sure I was okay.

He's sweet.

When I start feeling like my health is waning, it frightens me. But, I won't let people see how scared I am. I can't. It wouldn't be fair to anyone who knows me. If they think I'm ready – if they think I've accepted it – maybe it won't be as difficult for them to accept.

Or maybe I'm just taking up space with my stupid ideals.

The world isn't a fairytale. When am I going to learn that?

- Aubrey

* * *

_And I will tell the night  
Whisper, "Lose your sight"  
But I can't move the mountains for you_


	8. February 25

_Half my life's in books' written pages  
Live and learn from fools and from sages_

* * *

_**February 25, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

Dean kissed me.

He kissed me, and I kissed him back.

What am I doing? I never wanted to get this attached. A small friendship was okay. He would move on quickly after learning I died.

The bad thing is that I didn't even know my feelings were developing so quickly. It makes no sense – I always thought that for feelings to be genuine, you had to work at it. I always thought that it never just happened.

Maybe he's just feeling lust, and not love. Who knows?

Mom called earlier. She'll be home in two days tops. I hope she's okay, but I don't know how I'll hide this from her. She'll know something's up with me and my emotions.

Dammit! What's going on with me?

- Aubrey

* * *

_You know it's true  
All the things you do, come back to you_


	9. February 28

_What started as a whisper,_  
_Slowly turned in to a scream._  
_Searching for an answer_  
_Where the question is unseen._

* * *

_**February 28, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

Dean and his dad left earlier today.

I hate to say it, but I think I hurt Dean's feelings.

I never meant to do that. I like Dean. (Maybe like is a weak word, but it's the one I'll use.)

He leaned in to kiss me, but I turned away. I turned away! What the hell is wrong with me? Dammit, Aubrey, if a gorgeous guy leans in to kiss you, YOU KISS HIM BACK!

I'm feeling kind of down lately, so I doubt I'll write much.

I doubt I'll get much sleep tonight without hearing Dean's snoring through the walls.

- Aubrey

* * *

_I don't know where you came from_  
_And I dont know where you've gone._  
_Old friends become old strangers_  
_Between the darkness and the dawn_


	10. March 5

_Lately I've been wondering what's been going on_  
_I've been here before but I don't remember when_

* * *

_**March 5, 2005**_

Dear Diary,

I feel like this is going to be my last entry.

I just can't do it anymore… if I'm going to die, it's going to be on my own terms.

You weren't my longest diary, but you were the most eventful for a diary of your size.

Thank you, for listening to my musings.

(Damn, I'm cheesy.)

- Aubrey

* * *

_*** Letter to Dean ***_

Dean,

Thank you for teaching me how to have fun again. I really did enjoy your company while mom was gone. I'm sorry I didn't kiss you. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just couldn't live in fear of dying anymore, so I took my life into my own hands. I'm leaving this stuff with you, because I know you'll appreciate it. Just promise you won't laugh at the cheesy diary entries.

I'll see you on the other side.

Love, Aubrey

PS: I finished your bracelet. I hope you like it. Keep mine safe for me.

* * *

_And every time we get to where we're entering_  
_I feel my beliefs and hopes surrendering_


End file.
